Like a Virgin: a guide for the timid

Whether or not you are actually a virgin, there are many reasons why the idea of sex might be daunting. While I have seen a couple of virgins in my time, I have seen men who are timid about sex for a variety of reasons. Autistic men, and men with mental health issues might struggle with sexual intimacy, and when they reach an age when they feel embarrassed about having little or no sexual experience, this embarrassment only exacerbates their anxieties about sex. But for all kinds of men, there are many reasons why sexual confidence might come and go. I’m intending this as a guide on some forms of sexual anxiety, and what you can expect from me as a sex worker you hire for help.

I recently saw a client who was young, attractive, with a nice body and perfectly good communication skills. He had flown to London to see me, so that I could “teach him how to have sex.” He was in his thirties and he’d had very little sexual experience, and this made him ashamed. Actually, his journey began with shame. A medical condition, long since resolved, had made him so embarrassed when he was growing up, that he avoided sex altogether. When his medical issue was no longer an obstacle, he felt ready to begin dating, but it hit him – he was a 27 year old virgin. Though he was perfectly healthy, he was still living with a sense of shame. He saw me several times, each time asking that I teach him about what women enjoy.

I have been asked this many times: “what do women enjoy?” The answer is sometimes disappointing for men who want a checklist to ensure a sexual encounter will be a success, because they’ve built it up to be such a monumental, complicated and scary thing. The truth is that everyone is different, and what works with one person sexually won’t necessarily work with another. This is why I tell clients that my focus, when it comes to psychosexual healing, is intimacy, and how to foster it. The less you think about sex as an Olympic sport, and the more you think about sex as chemistry between people, the simpler it becomes. It is important to remember that pornography is a lie that sells you a fantasy of sex machines that never get awkward or tired, are always hard and ready to go, and which orgasm on command. You should also know that the clients I’ve seen in the past who think they’re hot shit – the six-figure salary who uses a sex worker for 20 minutes of uninterrupted jackhammer-pounding while he’s admiring his own reflection in the mirror – they’re some of the worst sex I’ve ever had.

In fact that’s all that needs to be said on the matter, but since you’re here, let’s consider some reasons that all kinds of people might be nervous about sex.  

Lack of Experience

Maybe a physical, mental or neurological condition means you haven’t had the opportunity for sexual intimacy. Maybe your religious or cultural background, or the fact that you married your childhood sweetheart and remained monogamous means that you’re unsure how to connect with someone new. Maybe you were just shy, and opportunities never presented themselves.

Performance anxiety

Maybe you’ve seen a lot of porn and think, you couldn’t possibly live up to those gymnastic feats of endurance (and you’re right, porn actors rarely manage it without stimulants and editing).

Sexual dysfunction

This one might need no further explanation, but I will say that I have encountered plenty of men who have a pretty skewed sense of dysfunction (once again, blaming porn for this one). Ejaculating “too soon” now and then doesn’t constitute ED, guys. It’s important to acknowledge that every sexual dysfunction has its psychological dimension. I once experienced tears of joy from a client who was convinced before he saw me that he would never have an erection again.

Body image

Our society is increasingly image-oriented and places all kinds of ridiculous demands on us. Maybe you believe you’re banished from the dating pool. Maybe you just want the relief of being able to speak candidly about what it is you hate about yourself. With a sex worker, you can enjoy intimacy without having to hide what it is you don’t like about yourself, safe in the knowledge that you won’t be rejected.

Trauma and negative sexual experiences

Men can be the victims of sexual trauma and abuse, especially as children. This obviously can have detrimental effects on someone’s adult sexuality. But something that I don’t think is talked about enough is how much men can be hurt by more common negative sexual experiences. I’m speaking here of things like hearing negative feedback, and dealing with sex negativity or apathy in a partner. This is something I’ve heard from married men a lot – their wives might go a whole marriage rarely or never initiating sex. This dynamic can lead men to some beliefs, that in my opinion are erroneous and bad for both sexes: that sex is for men to initiate and women to receive, and that women are generally apathetic about sex. It can also leave men feeling undesirable, like sex is something they have to work for in other ways.

The good news is that none of this is chronic. Insecurities about sex can be overcome with patience, tenderness, and a little self-forgiveness. But here’s the tea. Sex workers are often so non-judgemental because we’re being paid to be. If you really want to work on your issues and look ahead to a long and healthy sex life, you probably need honesty as well as kindness. This is where it’s worth seeing someone, like myself, who specialises in clients with psychosexual issues.

If this resonates with you then I can certainly work with you.

Write to me honestly, communicating as much history as you believe is relevant. Share your desires and expectations. I need to know your limitations so that I know how best to cater for your needs. Remember, it is impossible to embarrass me.

No pressure!

You don’t need to do anything. I will ensure we have a relaxed and not-too-serious space where you can feel safe to express yourself without any judgement, where you can get comfortable initiating sexual contact, or where you can surrender to my control if that’s what you’d like.

Instructions

While I’ve suggested there’s no step-by-step key to intimacy, I am here to provide suggestions and feedback, however general or precise. The way I often think about it with anxious clients who want to “get better at sex” is a de-centring of my pleasure. In this way, while we both want you to satisfy me, I am able to step outside of myself in a sense, and have an ongoing dialogue with you throughout our experience, asking you what feels good for you, telling you what feels good for me. It means I don’t make aggressive demands of you, but I do provide honest communication.

No stupid questions

Men who find themselves embarrassed about their lack of experience can also be ashamed to ask things they feel they should know already. Whether it’s regarding sexual health or female anatomy, or about what it’s possible to recreate from the Kama Sutra, you can ask me anything.

Coitus-interruptus

An encounter at my discreet incall ensures that your comfort and enjoyment is prioritised, and you will never be kicked out until your time is up. I make sure that none of my clients ever feel rushed, but it is particularly important for clients with sexual anxieties to be given plenty of time around sexual contact to communicate. I always provide time and space at the end of a session to connect, and to give you feedback if you want it, which can provide you the clarity, reassurance, and confidence you might have been deprived of.

I’ll never tell

Of course, confidentiality is a cornerstone of the world’s oldest profession. Your secrets are safe with me.